Sexual Pleasure is a Right?

“You have equal say, equal power, equal right, equal identity in your sexuality as a man.”

            -Alice, age 63, heterosexual

What is sexual pleasure? I could glibly define it as, “sex that feels good.” But instead, I am going to nerd out and tackle a more comprehensive definition of sexual pleasure:

“Sexual pleasure is the physical and/or psychological satisfaction and enjoyment derived from solitary or shared erotic experiences, including thoughts, dreams and autoeroticism. Self-determination, consent, safety, privacy, confidence and the ability to communicate and negotiate sexual relations are key enabling factors for pleasure to contribute to sexual health and wellbeing. Sexual pleasure should be exercised within the context of sexual rights, particularly the rights to equality and nondiscrimination, autonomy and bodily integrity, the right to the highest attainable standard of health and freedom of expression. The experiences of human sexual pleasure are diverse and sexual rights ensure that pleasure is a positive experience for all concerned and not obtained by violating other people’s human rights and wellbeing.” -Global Advisory Board for Sexual Health and Wellbeing. (2016).[1]

This l o n g definition has a lot to offer, so stick with me here. First, it tells us that sexual pleasure means the personal “satisfaction and enjoyment” of a sexual experience. Got it; it’s a personal experience. Then it goes on to list the things that facilitate sexual pleasure, like “consent,” “communication” and “self-determination.” Okay, so sexual pleasure involves an individual in relation to other people. That makes sense. But hold on because next up is, “Sexual pleasure should be exercised within the context of sexual rights, particularly the rights to equality and nondiscrimination.” Sexual pleasure is a right? Equality and non-discrimination? That sounds political.

You bet it is!

Women’s sexual pleasure as a social justice issue is hardly new. Over one hundred years ago, reproductive rights and female sexual pleasure gained a foothold among the first-wave feminists and suffragists, though, in reality, they were more focused on sexual sovereignty than sexual pleasure.[2],[3] Starting in the 1960’s, second-wave feminism emphasized sexual expression and sexual pleasure as more mainstream priorities, aided by the availability of female-controlled birth control. Advocates like Betty Dodson and books like, The Joy of Sex, and Our Bodies, Ourselves, spoke of sexual rights, acceptance of sexual identities and sexual preferences, and the equality of sexual pleasure.

Fifty years later, women are not the only one’s fighting for sexual equality and non-discrimination, or for their right to enjoy sex as much as anyone else. While women still bear the unequal burden of birth control side effects in order to have sex for pleasure, gender non-conforming folk struggle just to get health care and be treated with basic decency.  Christian organizations litigate for the legal right to deny women birth control coverage on their health plans, yet do not object to erectile dysfunction medication. Professionals and younger family members resist accepting that elders in their lives are sexually active.

Increasingly, sexual pleasure is placed alongside sexual sovereignty and sexual health as a right that must be addressed by education, health care delivery and social policy.[4] Take education. A mother called me recently to get advice about a question posed by her 15-year-old daughter. Her daughter, a sexually active lesbian, had learned in health class that sex was intercourse. So, she asked her mother if that meant she was still a virgin. Or, take health care. I interviewed a woman who does not reveal to most of her health care providers that she is a (post-surgical) transsexual because of poor treatment in the past. And, what about all the health care providers who fail to ask their patients about how their sexual lives are impacted by illness, menopause or aging?

Turning back to the personal level, I invite you to examine your own biases, to recognize the prejudices that deem some groups of people as less worthy or capable of pleasure than others. Remember, having biases does not make you a bad person; we all possess unconscious (or conscious) biases. Acknowledging our biases is the first step towards choosing how we act in relation to them.

As you read below, picture in your mind an example of each question. Notice if you have trouble creating your visualization or if you feel a twinge of physical discomfort. Notice if you are having a conversation in your head like, “Yeah, that is fine but…” 

How do you feel about a woman who enjoys sex and seeks her own sexual pleasure?

Do you respect the rights of people who have sex outside of marriage?

How do you feel about masturbation? For men? For women?

How about sex between people other than a woman with a man?

Do you respect the sexual rights of homosexuals, transsexuals, gender non-conforming folk and intersex persons? (Do you respect their human rights, like their rights to jobs and health care services? Their rights to choose their pronouns and names?)

What do you think about sex involving more than two people?

Or, people who choose a non-monogamous relationship?

Can you respect the choices of folks who enjoy consensual sexual kinks?

How about sex between people with physical and/or mental disabilities? Do they have the same right to sexual pleasure as everyone else?

What about sex in elderly folks, even those with dementia?

An honest investigation of our own biases and limitations reveals our judgement that some forms of sexual pleasure are more okay than others. For example, many believe that sexual pleasure should be reserved for marriage. Others think masturbation is natural for men (less so for women) but not if they’re in a committed sexual relationship. Some people judge sexual practices involving fetishes or kinks as abnormal.

The equality of sexual pleasure will be realized when everyone believes in its importance enough to include sexual pleasure in family conversations, education, health care and public policy.

[1] Global Advisory Board for Sexual Health and Wellbeing. (2016). Working definition of sexual pleasure. Retrieved from http://www.gab-shw.org/our-work/working-definition-of-sexual-pleasure/

[2] Lepore, J. (2014). The Secret History of Wonder Woman. Penguin Random House

[3] Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. HarperCollins. Page 58

[4] Ford, J. V., Vargas, E. C., Finotelli Jr., I., Fortenberry, J. D., Kismödi, E., Philpott, A., Rubio-Aurioles, E., & Coleman, E. (2019). Why Pleasure Matters: Its Global Relevance for Sexual Health, Sexual Rights and Wellbeing, International Journal of Sexual Health, 31:3, 217-230, DOI: 10.1080/19317611.2019.1654587