Sexual Desire and Vaginal Lubrication
When I was in my early forties, I spent a weekend with three girlfriends I’d known since college. We were all married, working and raising young children. One evening the conversation veered onto sex. My friend said, “Don’t you just miss that passionate, want-to-rip-off-your-clothes desire?” I remember that the three of us listening were oddly silent. All-consuming sexual desire seemed beyond the reach of our tired, task-oriented selves. Indeed, my level of sexual desire had waned, but I accepted it as “good enough” given the stage of life I was in.
My college friend, who missed passionate desire, ended up having an affair. She reclaimed that feeling of sexual craving for a few months. Two years later, she and her partner divorced.
Sometimes women, and/or their partners, believe that if spontaneous sexual desire fades, it must indicate a sexual or relationship problem. One woman I interviewed conveyed an extreme example of this misperception. She told me that sex had been the “love language” in her marriage, the way each communicated their love for the other. After she had children, she had still enjoyed sex with her husband, but her pattern of desire had changed. Her spontaneous desire that led to sexual activity had shifted to a desire that responded to sexual activity. Her husband, unfortunately, had interpreted it as a sign that she no longer desired him. “If I was not lubricating, he would accuse me of not loving him. He needed sex to feel loved. If I didn’t want it, he needed it more.” Although they had tried talking, it had not made a difference. As the sex deteriorated, he had attacked her verbally in fits of anger. At age 60, she left him. In retrospect, she thought that her lack of vaginal lubrication had fueled his insecurities, driving a wedge between them.
Other women more easily accept the shift in their sexual desire. One interviewee said, “After having children attached to me all day, my husband was one more person who needed my body.” Her husband told her that he wanted to be with her, to feel the love and connection. He focused on her orgasms during sex. “And I have to say, that that's what kept it satisfying, and the reason why I was probably willing to go through with it; because in the end, it would have been worth it.” She never initiated sex. But during those years, she responded physically and emotionally to sex.
Yet another research subject told me that she rarely felt like having sex. She and her partner talked about the amount of transition and foreplay that she needed. “Sometimes I needed a lot of cuddling and kissing. And I needed to not feel pressured to move it along. But once we got going, I was all in.”
So why do we think that spontaneous sexual desire is the norm? Perhaps it harkens back to the formative discoveries of Masters and Johnson. Their 1966 book, Human Sexual Response, described stages of physiological sexual response. The first stage, “Excitement,” begins with vaginal lubrication, clitoral engorgement and other physical changes. Stages called, “Plateau,” “Orgasmic” and “Resolution” follow. Their influential research told us that vaginal lubrication is synonymous with sexual excitement, arousal and desire. But studies have since shown that vaginal lubrication can be uncoupled from arousal. Woman may report arousal without vaginal lubrication, and interestingly, women may experience vaginal lubrication, e.g. to unpleasant visual sexual stimuli, without feeling aroused.[1]
One of many models of sexual response proposed since 1966, takes into consideration the emotional and psychological motivation to have sex. In this model, Rosemary Basson explains that many women, especially in long-term relationships, may lack spontaneous excitement but maintain the ability to exhibit a responsive arousal once engaged in sexual activity.[2] A woman’s emotional motivation plays a key role in whether or not she will respond to sexual activity. If she, a) thinks that sex is important and, b) feels emotionally drawn to sex with her partner, she will more likely respond during sexual activity (even in the absence of spontaneous desire.) Basson goes on to explain the normalcy of poor vaginal lubrication.
Understanding responsive sexual desire as part of the normal continuum of women’s sexual response could alleviate the distress that something is wrong when patterns of desire change. And we all know, feeling normal and healthy helps us focus less on our inadequacies and more on enjoying sex.
Many factors associated with sexual enjoyment have been identified, and desire (the degree of wanting sex) hardly receives a mention. In case you are curious, sexual satisfaction is associated with, among other factors, the quality of communication, physical health, the importance of sex, orgasm and overall well-being. I’ll save a full discussion of these factors for another blog post.
In the meantime, here are a few tips to consider if you are struggling to respond sexually.
1. Make sex a priority. Think about sex. Take time to fantasize or read about sex. Set aside time for sex, perhaps even mid-day when you have more energy.
2. Attend to your own health, emotionally and physically. (I know, I know. This is huge.)
3. Take the issue of vaginal lubrication out of the equation. Buy some lubricants. Try both water-based and silicone-based lube. Use them at the initiation of sex, on both partners. Order from a sex-positive, health- and education-focused adult shop.
4. Communicate, communicate, communicate. If needed, seek the help of a sex therapist. Find a certified sex therapist here.
[1] Suschinsky, K., & Lalumière, M. (2011). Prepared for Anything? An Investigation of Female Genital Arousal in Response to Rape Cues. Psychological Science, 22(2), 159-165. DOI: 10.1177/0956797610394660
[2] Basson, R. (2000) The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model, Journal of Sex &Marital Therapy, 26:1, 51-65, doi.org/10.1080/009262300278641