The Yes/No/Maybe Checklist
A Yes/No/Maybe Checklist can help kindle a conversation about sex with a partner, as well as expand sexual repertoire. (Click on the link for the checklist.)
This Yes/No/Maybe Checklist is a fillable pdf and is also found on the Resources tab of the Home page. The list caters to:
People in sexually stale relationships
Breast cancer survivors
People whose sex has been negatively impacted by health status or aging
Women experiencing the genital symptoms of menopause for whom vaginal penetration may be painful
People exploring a sexual relationship after many years of not being sexually active
What is a Yes/No/Maybe Checklist?
It is a list of sexual practices, activities and desires that prompts people to explore and share their sexual likes, dislikes and interests.
How does one use the checklist?
Each sexual partner fills out the checklist independently. If the item on the list is, for example, “Receiving oral sex,” one responds by checking:
“Yes” (I’m in to doing that or trying that)
“No” (I am not comfortable with that activity)
“Maybe” (perhaps under certain circumstances)
Answers may change over time.
Why use a checklist?
Used with a regular partner, a Yes/No/Maybe Checklist can generate fresh conversations about sex and facilitate exploration of new sexual practices. It might prompt a sharing such as, “I am kind of interested in exploring that but wasn’t sure how to bring it up.”
Used with a new partner, a checklist identifies what the other likes to explore during sex, facilitates safe boundaries and opens conversations about consent.
Used alone, a checklist helps to privately consider one’s comfort with various sexual activities without the expectation to share.
How to talk about the list with your partner
After completing the lists individually, share and compare your answers. Look for “Yes” answers to activities that you have not previously engaged in together. Discuss items where one of you answered, “Yes” and the other indicated, “Maybe.”
Bring an open mind. Be curious (rather than judgmental) about both the sexual activities your partner wants to explore, as well as the things they are not up for trying. Sometimes one has a backstory or reason behind their preferences, and sometimes one has no idea what has caused their sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.
Feel free to add to the list. Perhaps you want to suggest something not on the list. Or, perhaps you want to communicate that certain behaviors put the brakes on your arousal or desire.
Don’t use the checklist to convince your partner to try something you want to do, especially if they have indicated that they are not open to it.
Various types of Yes/No/Maybe Checklists
There are many versions of the Yes/No/Maybe checklist. Most cater to people into BDSM and kink. I encourage you to browse the internet for other Yes/No/Maybe Checklists and gain more insight in how to use them. Here are a few:
In addition to a list of activities, Autostraddle’s Checklist offers fill-in-the-blank statements like, “When I want you to stop, I say…” and “Never refer to my genitals as…”
Scarleteen’s very extensive list includes categories for reproduction, boundaries and relationship structures. I especially recommend it for individuals early in their journeys of partnered sex.
That Other Paper’s Checklist, published in an Austin-based zine, facilitates sex between kinkster acquaintances.