Partnered Orgasms in Lesbian vs. Straight Women

Lesbians are more likely to orgasm during partnered sex than heterosexual women.[1] A lot more likely. In one study of over 52,000 Americans, 86% of lesbian women reported that they usually or always orgasmed during partnered sex vs. only 65% of heterosexual women.[2] Why? Research shows that queer women tend to prioritize orgasm as an important measure of sexual pleasure compared with straight women.[3] Additionally, only a small minority of women consistently orgasm with just penis-in-vagina (piv) sex,[4] the kind of sex that heterosexual women tend to focus on.

It seems, then, that for heterosexually active women to orgasm more during sex, they might want to learn from the practices of their lesbian sisters - make orgasm a priority, and employ stimulation beyond piv – namely, focused clitoral stimulation.

In my adolescent medicine practice, I rarely talked with a sexually active lesbian or other queer adolescent who had not experienced an orgasm during partnered sex; yet, it was common among heterosexual, cis female patients. Lesbian, bisexual and queer women in their twenties have been shown to be more successful at fulfilling both their sexual desires and relationship desires than straight women.[5] Lesbians and other queer women more readily teach each other about sexual pleasure.

Some heterosexual couples remain focused on piv sex and on a male-focused sexual script. For example, a 44-year-old woman recently asked me, “How do lesbians have sex?” She seemed genuinely curious about what sex might entail without a penis in the mix. As I learned through my interviews, many women learn about sex and their own sexual functioning from partners. That means that many cis, heterosexual women are reliant on a man to teach them about their own sexuality. (Some, like Olive, wait a long time to learn.) Unfortunately, men, especially young men, don’t necessarily steer the sexual encounter toward pleasure for the woman. Men may be more focused on satisfying their own desire, either due to lack of knowledge about how to please a woman or due to the same male-centric sexual script.

Young men and women certainly do not learn the necessary approaches to female sexual pleasure in sex education. Sex education still tends toward the heteronormative and conservative. How many teens even hear the word clitoris? Last November, I guest taught in an 8th grade sex ed class. I entitled my talk, “What is Sex?” In part, I wanted to emphasize that sex happens between different types of people and involves a lot more than piv intercourse. Before the class, the administration of this charter school reviewed my presentation. They approved this illustration representing heterosexual intercourse.

But they asked me to remove pictures representing hands on genitals and oral sex. [6]

What their censure non-verbally told me was, “Representing the exploration of sex beyond penis-in-vagina sex makes us uncomfortable.” What I wanted to say back was, “But there is so much more for teens to explore than the kind of sex that can lead to all those unplanned, teen pregnancies!” I compliantly removed the pictures and talked about it anyway.

Getting back to adults, research has shown that women, cis heterosexual women, are uncomfortable with both asking for more clitoral stimulation and stimulating their own clitoris.[7] By contrast, men want women to ask for more clitoral stimulation, if desired, or to simply self-stimulate.[8] Men want to increase their female partner’s pleasure.

Why don’t (heterosexual) women focus more on clitoral stimulation during partnered sex and prioritize their own orgasms? I will say just that we have some deeply rooted, traditionally gendered scripts about sex. Heterosexual women may have a lot to learn from queer women who have sex without a phallocentric narrative.

[1] Garcia, J. R., Lloyd, E. A., Wallen, K., & Fisher, H. E. (2014). Variation in orgasm occurrence by sexual orientation in a sample of U.S. singles. J Sex Med, 11, 2645–2652. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12669

[2] Frederick, D.A., John, H.K.S., Garcia, J.R. & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. Arch Sex Behav, 47, 273–288. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z

[3] Goldey, K. L., Posh, A. R., Bell, S. N., van Anders, S. M. (2016). Defining Pleasure: A focus group study of solitary and partnered sexual pleasure in queer and heterosexual women. Arch Sex Behav, 45, 2137–2154. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-016-0704-8

[4] Lloyd, E.A. (2005). The case of the female orgasm: Bias in the science of evolution. Harvard University Press.

[5] Bell, L. (2013). Hard to Get: 20-something women and the paradox of sexual freedom. University of California Press. Page 178.

[6] Finding illustrations (appropriate for 8th grade) representing non-heteronormative sex was difficult.

[7] Salisbury, C. M. A., & Fisher, W. A. (2014). ‘‘Did You Come?’’ A qualitative exploration of gender differences in beliefs, experiences, and concerns regarding female orgasm occurrence during heterosexual sexual interactions. Journal of Sex Research, 51(6), 616–631. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2013.838934

[8] ibid.