Deserving Sexual Pleasure: What does that mean for you?

“A woman will be unstoppable once she realizes she deserves better.” I saw this quote on Facebook. Generally, I dislike cutesy aphorisms, political screeds and cat videos. (Ok. I admit. I crack up at cat videos.) But this quote spoke to me.

The quote reminded me that getting to sexual pleasure begins with the realization that you deserve it. Historically, women first realized that they deserved the right to vote, to own property, to open bank accounts without male co-signatures, and to get pregnant without risk of job discrimination – before these rights became reality.

Women (and people socialized as women) must realize that they deserve pleasurable sex. This is an easy concept to fly past. So, slow down and think about this. Women, especially heterosexual women, are not socialized to seek out sexual pleasure. We are socialized to be the objects of attraction. We are socialized to be the gatekeepers of sexual activity. At best, we are socialized to receive pleasure. But seek pleasure, create pleasure, self-stimulate to ensure pleasure? How many of us grew up hearing that?! How many of us tell our daughters to seek out fun, pleasurable sex? The old double standard that it is more acceptable for boys (and those socialized as boys) to have sex, also says it is more acceptable for boys to enjoy sex.

Let’s examine how the messages from your early socialization play out into your current sex life. Do you feel inadequate, like the identified problem, if you take longer (to be aroused, to orgasm) than your partner? Do you spend more time thinking about how your body is perceived by your partner rather than how you feel towards your partner’s body? Can you define what sexual pleasure means for you? Do you have sex when you really don’t feel like it out of fear of your partner’s displeasure? Are you the gatekeeper of when you have sex? Do you hesitate to ask for exactly what you want during sex? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask yourself, “Why.” If old, socialized scripts still retain power in your sexual life, awareness is the first step towards changing how you react to them.

If only it were so easy to say, “Feel entitled to sexual pleasure and your sex life will become more satisfying.” But of course, it is not that easy:

(1) Women with a history of abuse have complicated relationships to sexual pleasure. Yet, I believe that a focus on self-pleasure can be one step in regaining the sovereignty and the power of one’s body.

(2) Low status women (women of color, women with less education, working class women) are more likely to engage in more frequent, less satisfying sex than high status women. Lower status women have even less social power in relation to men than higher status women. In sex, they feel less entitled to address their own needs.[1]  In my role as a nurse practitioner, I tried to help sexually active girls to think about their choices (power) to engage in sex or not, to get pregnant or not, to work toward enjoying sex or not. It was not easy.

(3) Women engage in physically unsatisfying sex for myriad reasons – to be liked or accepted; to search for comfort or intimacy; to feel powerful or adventuresome; to avoid loss or harm; to satisfy or appease a partner, and more. Sometimes by choice; often not. Sometimes with conscious awareness, often not.

While I don’t believe that, “A woman will be unstoppable once she realizes she deserves better” sex, I do believe that embracing this realization will move your sex life toward a better future. Try investigating one old message that still impacts your ability to deserve pleasure. And the next time you have the opportunity to talk to a young woman about sex, tell her that she deserves to seek out and expect pleasure with sex.

[1] Breanne Fahs, Eric Swank.  Social Identities as Predictors of Women’s Sexual Satisfaction and Sexual Activity. Arch Sex Behav (2011) 40:903–914. DOI 10.1007/s10508-010-9681-5